COUNT BINFACE’S MAYORAL MANIFESTO 2021: PUTTING LONDON ON THE MAP

Behold my fully-costed suite of policies for the Earth Capital, which marries fiscal responsibility, social awareness, and not being an anti-vaccine nutjob. This is my 21-Point Plan for ‘21...!

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  1. London Bridge to be renamed after Phoebe Waller.

  2. Hammersmith Bridge to be repaired, and renamed Wayne after the former England international footballer.

  3. Croydon to get a facelift, ironically.

  4. No shop to be allowed to sell a croissant for more than £1.

  5. Free parking between Vine Street and The Strand (for electric vehicles only)

  6. HS2 protestors to be allowed to build their tunnel at Euston, all the way to Birmingham. To be followed by a second tunnel that links Birmingham to Manchester

  7. Finish Crossrail.

  8. At Trafalgar Square, Sir David Attenborough to be placed on the Fourth Plinth. Or a statue of him. Either’s fine.

  9. Speaker phones on public transport to be banned. Offenders to be forced to watch the movie version of Cats every day for a year.

  10. London to join the EU.

  11. All government ministers’ pay, including the mayor’s, to be tied to that of nurses for the next 100 years.

  12. Loud snacks to be banned from theatres.

  13. The Trocadero to be turned back into a truly top-notch video arcade.

  14. Piers Corbyn to be banished to the Phantom Zone.

  15. I will create a Smart Speaker’s Corner, replacing the usual nutters who stand around at Hyde Park Corner with state-of-the-art technology that (a) understands the Earth is round, and (b) will perform a fart sound on command. The current incumbents can only do the latter.

  16. On one day every year, escalators on the Underground to be reversed, encouraging travellers to go up the down escalators and down the up ones, as a free gym and Gladiators simulator all in one.

  17. Mask-wearing in public to be encouraged, during the pandemic and beyond.

  18. The Royal Family to keep one of Buckingham Palace, Kensington Palace, St James’ Palace and Clarence House, with the rest gifted to the nation to help eradicate homelessness. If the royals complain that one palace isn’t enough, they will be forced to buy Crystal Palace FC.

  19. The hand dryer in the gents’ toilet at the Crown & Treaty, Uxbridge, to be moved to a more sensible position.

  20. Traitors’ Gate to be reopened for business, and to welcome Dido Harding on Day One.

  21. Ceefax to be brought back for all households within the M25.

MY DRUGS MANIFESTO FOR THE EARTH CAPITAL

I will match Sadiq Khan in establishing an independent commission to examine the decriminalisation of cannabis.

I will go further than Sadiq by ensuring the commission is always well stocked with snacks, to maintain concentration among the munchies-addled contributors.

I will establish an independent commission to examine whether the mayor should be making bespoke drugs policies for metropolitan areas anyway.

I will focus my attention on the bigger problem of the amount of Class A drugs sloshing around the capital, which has caused the eels in the Thames to get hooked on cocaine, so much so that the eels have become really annoying and won't stop talking about themselves.

I will focus even more on the biggest problem, of the massive asteroid that is still hurtling towards Earth, and which is going to leave everyone - and I do mean everyone - very much stoned.

CITY HALL IS MINE!

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I appreciate that the Greater London Assembly has now moved out of this building. But I still want it all the same.